We are friends these days. Me and my inner voice. It is a shocking change from the voice I have been hearing or more precisely listening to the past 3 decades. Let me start with the very onset of this good & evil inner voice dilemma.
So, like many 80s children, I too grew up watching tom and jerry. With the evil cat dressed in black & horns versus the very sweet white one perched on the other shoulder. They both made quite a lot of appearances in the series, I remember that very well. And now, over to me and my inner voice. When I say ‘my inner voice’, I honestly mean the evil one dressed in red sitting on one shoulder and the other one dressed in white tee & denim with converse shoes reciting happy thoughts diligently on the other shoulder. Writing this I am realizing how tough it is for my daughters to have me as their mom. Clearly, I should have accomplished a lot of growing up before I had them. But again, I had my daughters in the darkest time of my life. I think I was at the lowest levels of depression when I got pregnant. And quite literally they brought me back to life.
I want to believe that as they grow, I am too evolving. Or at least I strive to evolve to be a better human, a better mom. The one they truly deserve. It helps to calm the lady in red. The one in converse shoes seems to be in a singing & dancing mood these days. All I hear is singing. ‘I want a house built of old wood….you can paint it any color, you like. Just as long as I can live with you.’ Yes, I sing that all the time. Reminding myself that I am evolving surrounded by my little minions. Everything else will follow. Today, I choose to be grateful. Hope this friendship lasts longer. And the lady in red stays calm and quiet while the dancing converse keeps singing happy tunes. I need their support. It helps to calm the anxious thoughts and focus on learning & growing.
Each day, little by little. Something changes for the better.
Dead and broken
Crawling through life
Slithering sadness wearing me down
Creeping up each time I try to stand tall
Fogging my vision,
So I decide to stay put
Waiting for the clearer skies
The tiny hands holding on to me tight
I walk into the sunny spring
Accepting all that was lost
And cherishing all that I got.
Black Coffee and Grey Stories 