I am an extremely intuitive person. There was a time I believed in myself more than anyone else. My own suggestion mattered to me the most. And then life happened. And nothing was the same anymore.
My self-worth was completely shattered. I was like a lifeless body passing through days, desperately waiting for ‘what next’. I was constantly worried. Like preparing myself for the worst possible scenarios, because of course, all the .1% always found me.
The losses and failures only made it more difficult to not be cynical. It is after a decade that I am able to look back at the past with some love. Only now I realized my own strength. That I was able to get out of moments that should have destroyed me completely. But somehow I survived. I still do not know how. And even today, it is so easy to fall back into that hole. Anything and everything is a reminder with a back story. Photographs, songs, trips, movies, books anything can trigger that moment of complete breakdown. But now there is a difference. I learnt to build myself a staircase. A secret sturdy staircase out of that hole of self-victimization, destruction and loneliness. And many other adjectives I will skip typing.
I am sure there is a long journey ahead. And with time I will have to rebuild that staircase. The only difference between the past and present me is I know I will figure it out. I trust myself that I will. There is so much to unlearn. A lot to accept so I can finally forgive myself. Accepting that I did my best. And today of course I will handle such a similar situation differently because I know more and understand better. Moreover, I am learning to listen to my intuition again. Whether it is my anxiety talking to me or intuition, that differentiation is still a tough struggle but totally worth it.
A small incident a few weeks ago when I successfully differentiated between the two will always be etched in my memory as an achievement. Small but totally on the right track.
Instinctive or Anxious
Walled or Free
Clouded or Clear
Pained or Desired
Powered or Burdened
Journey is the same.
Outcome is not!
Heart weakened and mind stuck
Trauma left, long gone,
Broke that I built with love
My brick house wasn’t strong enough to withstand the
Cruel Wolf!
Leaving it in shambles
A victory for the wolf
That huffed and puffed
All my intuition away!
Broken and fragile
I will build again
Shattered pieces will find another spot
Edges will adjust to build a stronger one
For the next time, the wolf shows up
It will be greeted outdoors
Under the shade of tall trees with a cup of black coffee
No more room indoors!
Black Coffee and Grey Stories 