I did not make this decision overnight. I have spent hours thinking about it. I understand that once I go through with this, almost every aspect of my life will change completely. But I have thought enough and so now it is time. I wake up with my mind made.
And so the morning came, it was going to be the day when finally speak my mind. I was going to let you know that this is not working for either of us. We both don’t understand each other’s needs. We have this list of unreal expectations that are truly difficult to accept. And so, today after the morning tea, when we both are sitting comfortably admiring the beautiful weather from our favorite window like any other day, I will say it. “It is over between us.” “And we cannot go on giving halfheartedly into this relationship. 3 years is more than enough for us to have tried, endured and then given up.”
The doorbell rang. She was early, I thought; very early. I had not even done my yoga yet, I was still working on the green tea. I got up from our spot to open the door for you. And there you were standing with your head down, like guilty of something horrible. I felt something shift inside of me. I greeted you, “Namaste Luxmi Didi.” But you did not reply in your usual perky tone. Instead continued to keep your guilty head down and nodded in answer. I said it again, “Namaste didi, aaj aap zada jaldi aaye ho.” (Hi, you are quite early today.) Even the compliment did not work on you today. You walked straight into the kitchen without a word, a smile or the latest building gossip. I felt the hurt. The pain of not listening to your peppy voice every morning before the morning cup of coffee and it angered me a little.
I followed you into the kitchen. But you did not stop to talk to me. I know you saw me, because you turned to look without showing me your face. It was like you did not like me anymore. I could not understand your cold behavior. It felt like you were the one who was dumping me for a better, much cleaner and smaller apartment. For some new girl who could offer you more for the little work you do. I stopped cold at the kitchen entrance and demanded my coffee “hot and NO SUGAR”. And there it was, again a nod.
A nod, is that what our relationship has been reduced to? Have you forgotten what all I have done for you? Have you forgotten about those beautiful cotton salwar kameez I gave you; so, what if they were my old clothes. They were still in good condition and totally in fashion. And what about the advances on the monthly pay? And not to forget the weekend meals we shared that I did not make you to cook. We have shared so much over slices of pizzas and our most favorite, Maggie. I mean, really; it all means nothing to you?
I angrily stomped back to our corner waiting for the coffee. You made it surprisingly quickly today even though it was a weekend and I was in no rush to get to work. I felt a little bad for showing you my anger just a few minutes ago. I felt sick in my stomach sipping the yummy coffee you had made for me. And then the worse thing happened. You walked away. Just like that without a word. And so, now it was my turn to bow down in guilt. I immediately put the mug down and followed you into the kitchen. We really needed to talk now. This is too much. “Aapki coffee kahan hai aaj? Kya hua didi?” (“Where is your coffee? What happened”) But you did not answer and just stood there washing the dirty dishes from last night. The dirty dishes I left for you to greet in the morning because I was angry over the food you cooked for me. I gently tried to put my hand on your shoulder feeling the tears collecting in my eyes. And you broke down. You howled and screamed like your insides were on fire. I could not understand anything and so I just hugged you. We cried together. With me holding you gently yet with all my strength otherwise you would have fallen down on the floor. I cannot remember how long we stood like that crying with each other.
You finally calmed down, enough to let me see your face; your scarred face. It was finally my shocked scream that quiet you down, for a few seconds. I saw the pink fresh bruises and open wounds all over your face. How could he do this to his own wife? I wanted to hug you tighter and never let you go, but I was not sure if I should. I did not want to hurt you more in case you were hiding any more bruises inside of you. But then you hugged me back. So tight that I knew I could never let you go. Sugar in coffee, alloo matter without alloo or almost getting me fired by being late every morning. Nothing mattered because we were in this together. You were not going anywhere. You are my dearest friend, the one I truly respect and love. “You are never going to go back to that hell didi, I promise you.”
It has been 5 years now. We live in a bigger apartment and have a beautiful balcony where we share our morning coffee. I feel so blessed to have you in my life, Luxmi didi. We both have been through a lot but have never given up on each other. You have come a long way. From feeding me dishes with missing key ingredients, to now teaching “How to cook with Luxmi” to your followers on YouTube channel. You are a star now didi. But I fail to understand why you still insist on wearing my old salwar kammez?