One thing is for sure. I knew I was on the right track. I knew how it would all unfold. And honestly, it still does not make much sense, but there are hues of happiness added to the early morning greys. The moment when you can see the day coming up but there still is subtle darkness.
I remember the moment my traumas were triggered. The ones my memory had conveniently buried somewhere deep. All that also shaped me into who I am today. Yet, I believe it was not just the traumas, but the trigger that pushed me on the track I was supposed to be on. I don’t remember the day or even the year, just the moment when it all hit me. There was no more hiding. There was no more denying it. I had to finally accept it as it was. It all happened. Whatever it was. I am still unable to write it in words, but there was a cycle I just could not get off. Since that moment, life has started to make a little more sense. Or should I say, my behavior, my rigid attitude (as it is always pointed out by almost everyone who claims to care for me that I need to fix it), my anger (which is the reason for my sadness again according to all those who care about me) or my habit of crying over little things. It all makes sense now why I am the way I am. Why do I love with my everything? Why do I never give up on the ones I truly love, even though it may seem like I have? Why do I still believe in the power of love?
Since that moment, I can see changes in myself. All that I was fighting, because I wanted to fit in, as I thought it will make me a better person. Because that was the ultimate goal, be good as good things happen to good people. And if you have been through a lot of pain, that means you are being punished for something. It is still hard to unlearn that horribly ridiculous belief, but at least I am a little more aware now. Only when I accepted my true authentic self along with my triggers and negatives did I turn into a good human. And once I started that journey, either I reconnected with my old friends or found new friends who have always brought out the best in me. I do not understand how it works. But whenever I am with them or talking to them, I feel like the best version of Sonal.
So now I accept myself as who I am. Sometimes angry, other times emotional but mostly working on herself, because there is no better way to live. To accept my quirky randomness with a huge smile. I am the weirdo who will be singing songs while standing in checkout lines at the grocery stores. Laughing out loud on the jokes my 9 years old keeps repeating. I am the one who announces her age proudly. I am 38 years old and finally, on the track, I should have been on 15 years ago. But I am thankful it happened whenever it did.
Black Coffee and Grey Stories 