I stood watching all of them pass by me. Walking around me but never coming close enough to actually touch my presence. It was like I was there but not really there. Maybe I had an undiagnosed superpower. To be invisible. Especially in the presence of all my schoolmates. None of them knew me yet they knew who I was. I found a quiet corner to sit and observe the noisy and loud laughs. One of them was big but not tall, he had a heavy voice and deafening laughter. The other one was sweet for he was constantly smiling every time he looked at me. Like a gentle familiarity, maybe he did know who I was. Then it was him, the only one I wanted to look at but could not. For if I did, then he would know exactly who he was to me. My first love. He passed by me never acknowledging my existence. I sat in the quiet corner for a while until it was time to leave. As I walked past him, he called my name, I think he did. I turned around blushing with confidence like he did not matter. Even though he was all that I ever wanted. “Will you guys be coming for swimming this weekend?”
“Yes, most likely. See you all then!” my brother spoke before I could show off my talking abilities.
“Bye” is all I said.
I woke up feeling irritated with anger. Yet another night with the same dream. Same people, naïve me, and incomplete conversations. What was it about him that I still felt the need to dream about how there was something lingering between us? Holding on to a feeling that should have faded by now. Why in every dream I felt inadequate in his world? Present but never enough. Like I had something to prove.
However, after every such dream, I remind myself. I was enough back then. And I am more than enough today. Before shutting the heavy eyes, hoping this time I will say more in the dream. Or maybe just for once let go.
Dreams; cracked and repetitive
Love; incomplete and liberating
Freedom; cursed, and lost
I tuck myself tight
Closing the tired eyes
Hoping the carousel will stop turning tonight!