Today has been a fight. A tough one. A day I haven’t had in almost a week. Therapy is helping, I guess. But today, I had it. I just want to get in my bed and sleep. I wish I do not wake up tomorrow. Like maybe there is no tomorrow. Tonight, is the last one. I cannot keep doing this. I am surely going to get caught one of these days.
The world is infuriating me with its prejudiced expectations. There are seriously researched protocols followed for literally everything. From birth to death, there are laid out rules to be followed, lessons to be learned, educational degrees to be achieved and future humans to be created. But what is the protocol to be followed when you wake up feeling like a whole different person? When you forget what it is to be you? How do you bring yourself back when you cannot even remember who you were, to begin with?
Walking through the moments hoping it does not spill over or infect everyone around you. I feel like life is moving the way it should, but I just cannot understand where it is taking me. Or am I even on the right track? If I am doing what I should be doing? No, I am doing everything I should be doing. I think I am. I hope so. I have responsibilities. There is no time to fall apart. I cannot stop trying to figure out a way to keep breathing. To keep going.
But some days like today are immensely tough. The one that guts your insides little by little. Each time with a different point of entry. Turning you into a leaking human, from everywhere. Revealing your brokenness to the world to judge even more. And so, the cycle never stops. Today is just a day I want to be done with.
The bag lying on the floor twitches making a scratchy noise. Nina looks up from her diary to look at the bag dripping making a red puddle around it. She takes a deep breath and goes back to writing in her diary.
“Karan, it is still alive. Can you take care of this one? I am too tired.”