“The Abandoned Life”

My name is Kavita. I am are 36 years old. I am an artist. I live alone surrounded by nature, completely off-grid. And today is another day. I am alive. I open my eyes, happy to see the sun not yet completely risen. I won the race.  

The morning air smells different each day, yet it feels familiar each time. I am a loner have always been. All my life I have had doubts about my capabilities. I used to get nervous conversing even with friends. I was perpetually unsure of my level of intelligence. Since a young age, I have particularly struggled with my sense of self-esteem. And so I don’t have that many people I rely on or are close to.

Each conversation always leaves me hating my lack of awareness and confidence. Even while texting my fingers used to type and erase in a sequence until it was too late to reply. I have left many conversations with silence or the wrong words. I am sure I have hurt way too many than I can count. And so there are only a few left. A few who truly love me. Others have rejected my lack of enthusiastic nature. I don’t know how to converse. How am I to explain to anyone? That is not that I am rude, I genuinely don’t know how to talk to anyone.

I wasn’t always like this. Well, I would like to hope so. I was interesting and relevant. I had opinions to share. Experiences to discuss. But that person is lost now.  Living off-grid helps. I don’t have to put myself through situations that left me with stomach-turning, head spinning, and sweaty palms. Painting is my happiness. I feel most happy when my hands are decorated with different colors. My paintings are well-appreciated so I can live here.

I am alive, I remind myself yet again. I open my rested eyes to see the beauty outside of my window. The pink weeping willow gesturing a humble nod and lilac bushes blanketing everything around with their sweet fragrance. It is still too early, so I stay in the bed thinking about all that I left behind. With a smile, I pray for everyone’s well-being. Especially that one. The one who got away.  

It is now time for the morning to start. Yoga and tea in the garden. They make me happy. After 6 months of this life, it is almost impossible to imagine any other kind of life. I hardly miss anyone other than him.

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