“Undone”

It is strange how we remember the past. At times it is clear as river flowing through the same rocky paths. Then other times you only remember the feeling. The emotions you felt in that moment. It is astonishing how our mind works. Curse or a blessing? It is different each time. I believe it is the emotion that marks the memory as tainted or blessed.

There is nothing left anymore. I am finally here, after a decade-long journey. Yet he just stands there not moving a muscle. He does not even look real. It cannot be, I remind myself. He cannot be still here after all these years. The soft breeze gives me a chill, enough for me to wrap my arms around myself. I am used to it; I know how to take care of myself. I look up again angry at myself for hoping to see him still standing. My dry coarse throat almost lets out a cry seeing him standing still.

And then I take the first step with heavier feet than ever. The ground below is muddy and slippery making it harder to walk along with keeping an eye on him. I do not wish to lose him again. Not anymore. This is where it all started and this is where it comes full circle. We have made our journeys to get here where we truly belong.

I try to cry out his name, but I have no voice. Only my feet walk towards where he stands. It almost feels like I am walking in quicksand because now I am waist-deep in muddy water. I can feel my cheeks burning, turning red. Why is he not coming to help me? Why is he just standing there? Why am I getting deeper in this marsh? When did the breeze turn into chilly winds making my eyes watery? I try to focus my tired eyes on him, looking for something, anything. A smile, a wave, even a tear. I am almost begging now. Give me something. That we both had been waiting for this moment. When we finally take those steps towards each other. But I still see him right there where I first saw him. I must get through this. I try to bring my focus back to the marsh. Reminding myself it will all be fine, just as it always was. Like it was always supposed to be.

I am now finally out. Dirty and tired, I can smell the filth on my skin. Yet, no more swamp to stop me, finally free, I look up proudly remembering our firsts. The hug, the kiss, the confession, the fight, the apology. My smile says it all. Everything I am feeling is in that smile, ear to ear. But he is no longer there. Gone yet again.

I wake up sweating like a filthy pig in my bed covered in blankets. My eyes blink tiredly trying to adjust to the moonlit room. It was just a dream. At least he rejected me in a dream, I console myself. 

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