“The clock was ticking away. And I was just standing still, stuck to the spot like I was superglued or something. Why no one noticed my stagnancy is a surprise to me? But what truly hurts is my own ignorance. I ignored the subtle pop ups of complacency as well. I feel like I am conditioned to identify them as resilience in order to keep going. Can you believe that?”
“I can.” Her two small words of wisdom. She kept on sipping her single malt oblivious to the bloodbath her words had caused in my stomach. You know because of the dagger she just plunged in me.
“How can you say that? You are simply putting my hard work and resilience aside like it is nothing.” I snapped louder under the influence of a very large mug of red wine. I don’t own any fancy wine glasses.
“No, I am not. I am only wiping the fog off your bathroom mirror so you can see clearly.” Her hair looked so shiny tonight.
“Seriously? Why can’t you just say mirror? Why is there a bathroom connection all the time? That’s enough. Stop talking in metaphors. I am too stoned to understand them. Moreover, we are not teenagers anymore. I don’t have the luxury of long chats.” I was enjoying the wine and company feeling like myself after a long time.
“And I am too stoned to talk in plain old words.” She went on.
“No, we are not. Exactly my point, big sis. We are adults. Responsible for tiny humans. who call us ‘mom’.” She drew a beautiful portrait in the sky with just her finger. And I loved it.
“What is that got to do with what I am saying? I was sharing with you something I have been feeling since years. And rather than being supportive you are only putting me down like everyone else.” If I squinted just enough the stars aligned perfectly to look like position 69.
“Oh, my sweet darling sister.” She tried to put her chubby paws around me, but I was in no mood for reconciliation. We were at war ok; it was not that serious. But I was still not ready for a hug.
Filling up my glass of wine I continued with my outburst. “You are telling me all that I have been doing these past 5 years means nothing that I am like everyone else going through the same routine and life without any motivation or aim.”
“Wait. Did I say that? I don’t think you lack motivation. In fact, I think you are way too hyper. You need to learn to relax sis. But as I was saying.” I did not see her once refill that glass. Was she even drinking? The bottle was almost finished though. I tried to divert my concentration to what she was blabbering.
“You have always been resilient. I know that. I mean you are my hero sis. But you cannot go on like this forever. Doing things for everyone else. This is your life. What do you want to do? What is it that makes your heartbeat faster? What is it that keeps you smiling all day? And do not say your kids, because we know that. That is your mom side, I am trying to ask you about your side. Remember you?”
“I want to be free. I want my freedom.” It was now raining stars.
“I remember when you used to pray for strength.” She spoke again.
“Seriously, I cannot win with you. What is wrong with manifesting for freedom? Freedom to do as I please.”
“Because that is bullshit. Literally, you will never be free. Nobody is ever free of anything. Until of course, you know. Or unless you decide to live off the grid in some hut in a forest. Then you might be.”
“What are you saying? I am crying here. Can you please just say it? I cannot go on like this. I am losing my mind.” I was trying to open another bottle of wine but the corkscrew was stuck.
“You have to earn your freedom. You have to work towards building yourself to be able to be free. You have been binding yourself down for others since we were kids. And there is nothing wrong with that, if done in moderation. Something like what we are doing.” Trying to make rings out of the happy smoke. She continued talking. I filled up my wine mug.
“Oh crap, then we are screwed sis. Hahahhah!” I could now see the unicorn in the sky. My little one’s favorite.
“We are the queens of toxic relationships.”
“Well, you might be right about that. But as I was saying. Freedom is about following your passion because you want to do something important in life not be someone important. Hell, we all are important. I am the most important soul on this earth. If I am not around, people in my house won’t know how to feed themselves.”
I was laughing looking at my stoned sister.
“We are so lost sis.” I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks. When did I start crying?
“No we are not.” She spotted my unicorn amongst the stars.
“We are asking for the wrong things in life. Manifesting the wrong ones.”
“Let’s ask for strength. Strength to achieve what we truly want from our life. What do you want sis?”
“I want to jump off a cliff into deep water.” Red wine was tasting like white now.
“Ooohh that will be fun. We should do it together.”