“Mum to tiny humans.”

My eyes are itchy from crying or cleaning, and my hands feel raw and stiff even after I lather them with various creams and lotions. I don’t know what hurts more, my head or my feet.

“Be who you needed when you were younger” by Ayesha Siddiqi has been the central theme behind my parenting style. It is two-sided because it also pushes me to heal from whatever trauma or traumas I carry every day in my fairly large green canvas backpack. 

Yet every night, when I sit down to reflect on the day, all I remember are the mistakes I made as a mom. It’s a process I’ve come to value as it allows me to learn and grow. Sometimes, I was lazy and fed my children banana and almond butter sandwiches. Which they also had to make by themselves. Then, other times when my anger takes over, I can hear myself repeating the same tone and words that hurt me as a kid. That is when it gets even more painful. So now I use this trick the moment I can feel the anger get to me. I take a long deep breath and inform the tiny humans that mum needs to a minute to have a conversation with the voice in her head (named Bob). Sometimes, they find it funny and other times, choose to sit quietly by themselves until we are all ready to talk like decent human beings. I have no idea how long this trick will work. For now, I think we are good.  

---

Exhausted 

Or

Incompetent

Arduous 

Or 

Indolent

Self-absorbed

Or

Introspective

Who am I?

Mum to tiny humans

Trying to fill in the blanks

Left unanswered 

and unhealed.